


What We Did After Armagewasn't

by markantony



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Documentary, Fluff and Crack, Looking at the Camera, M/M, Post-Canon, Queen - Freeform, Screenplay/Script Format, What We Do In The Shadows AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-05-28 12:52:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19394542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markantony/pseuds/markantony
Summary: The Never Released Script of the Never Seen Documentary directed by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett in which they follow the lives of the Crowley and Aziraphale, an odd couple made of an angel and a demon that stopped the Armaggedon.Inspired by What We Do In The Shadows.





	1. Adam's Birthday Present

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by What We Do In The Shadows and some posts on Tumblr. Credits of Good Omens to Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, and the Tumblr references to their owners. Michael Sheen, if you are reading this...

[Opening music: _Under Pressure_.]

The screenwriters of this documentary, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, a long with a cameraman and a sound technician, got access to the life of the two supernatural creatures that allegedly stopped the world from ending and whose lives inspire the book Good Omens, in which they appear as fictional characters.

We knock on the door. **CROWLEY** opens and quickly puts on glasses.

 **CROWLEY** : Hi, I was just making... Uh, tea. Enter.

We see a very minimalist grey, black, and white appartment.

 **CROWLEY:** The first thing I do in the morning is watering my plants. Look.. Oh no, you didn't.

He starts screaming at plants] I told you to fucking grow better! You saw what happened to the laurel plant last week. What are you, rebel for kicks? He grabs a small plant

 **CROWLEY:** I'll be here in a sec.

Noises. We heard **CROWLEY** leaving the house. He comes back five minutes later.

 **CROWLEY:** I had to give her a lesson.

 **CROWLEY:** So aside from the plants, this is my living room and this is my room. I like to put my head down every now and then, a bad habit I caught.

Zoom to a big statue.

 **CROWLEY:** That represents... the Battle between Angels and Demons. Sorry, no I'm not laughing. The angel gets really flustered every time he looks at it. Anyway. This is not where I'm currenly living. I moved to Aziraphale's appartment a month ago. Things changed, you know? So let me get changed before we go out.

 **CROWLEY** clicks his fingers and miracles clothes on his body. He is wearing a black jacket, a grey undershirt, and black jeans. Much like what he was wearing before. His hair is elegantly tussled. We leave the house.

 **CROWLEY:** This is my Bentley, I'm his first owner. This bad boy can fit so many Best of Queen in him. Every music I play becomes a Queen song, so...

We enter the car. _I'm In Love With My Car_ by Queen starts playing. Crowley is driving at 90km/h through Central London but nobody seems to realize because nobody expects a car to drive that fast in that area anyway.

 **CROWLEY:** I'm going to run you over, bugger!

 **CROWLEY** parks near the A. Z. and Co. in Soho.

 **CROWLEY:** This is Aziraphale's bookshop. I don't read. Practically illiterate. Come on.

We enter the bookshop. Brown old dusty books pilled everywhere, not a client in sight. **AZIRAPHALE** greets us.

 **AZIRAPHALE:** Finally you are here, dear. Crowley I got a text from Anathema but the phone keeps showing me my face...

 **CROWLEY:** You clicked on the camera icon of Whatsapp, just click the go back icon, dumb. Give it to me. She says I hope you are well blah blah blah Adam's twelfth birthday blah blah...

 **AZIRAPHALE** : It's already been a year? Good lord, he has grown up so much. We love our godson very much.

 **CROWLEY** : We are not his grandfathers...

 **AZIRAPHALE:** Yes we are. We shall go buy him a present.

 **CROWLEY** : Just give him the money.

 **AZIRAPHALE** : His parents can do that.

Pan to **AZIRAPHALE** sitting on a comfortable couch **.** Medium zoom **.**

 **AZIRAPHALE:** We met Adam one year ago. He is the Antichrist you see, but he is the sweetest boy in all England . The circumstances in which we met were a bit...

 **CROWLEY:** [Behind the camera] He tried to shoot him. And then he blackmailed me saying that he wouldn't talk to me unless I solved the situation. That's an angel for you.

 **AZIRAPHALE** : Don't make them think them that! Cut that later, okay? I tried to shoot him because I didn't know what else could be done. And I wouldn't have been able to talk to you later if the world ended, Crowley. Don't make me look bad.

Pan to **CROWLEY** and **AZIRAPHALE** walking around the shopping mall.

 **AZIRAPHALE:** We figured the optimal place to find a present for a teenager... [ **CROWLEY** pretends to throw up and makes gagging sounds. **AZIRAPHALE** glares, glarefully.]

 _High Flying Bird_ by Jefferson Airplane plays in the background of the mall. We walk behind the couple. Crowley walks with a swagged we have never ever seen. Snakey. He might break his hips. But he is inmortal. They point out at things.

 **CROWLEY** : We are not going to buy him books. He belongs to the Gen Z. He has internet.

 **AZIRAPHALE** walks into a bookshop anyway.

 **CROWLEY:** That's his only vice, books. And food. And wee- Things. Mortal things. He has a lot of vices, actually. But at least we are aware that we are not like other demons and angels. Oh fuck.

 **CROWLEY** hides inside the bookshop where we can see **AZIRAPHALE** in the background, putting books in a basket. **CROWLEY** points at the ice-cream parlour. **BEELZEBUB** and **THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL** are eating ice cream together. **CROWLEY** brings his hands to his head and jumps in his place. **AZIRAPHALE** comes back and talks in whispers with **CROWLEY.** They panic.

 **AZIRAPHALE:** Those two are our bosses...

 **CROWLEY:** Ex-bosses!

 **AZIRAPHALE** : Yes, so we are going to get a wiggle-on and move the furthest possible from them before they catch a sight of us.

We run. **AZIRAPHALE** trips over the microphone and gets up, removes the dust from his coat, and follows **CROWLEY**. They enter a game shop.

 **AZIRAPHALE:** They didn't see us? Or feel us? Incompetent basta-

 **CROWLEY** shoos him.

Zoom to **AZIRAPHALE** talking with the shop assistant.

 **AZIRAPHALE:** What's the most popular game? It's for a twelve years old young man.

 **THE SHOP ASSISTANT:** What console does he have?

 **AZIRAPHALE** looks at the camera, visibly sweating.

 **CROWLEY** : Nintendo Switch and PlayStation 4 PRO.

 **AZIRAPHALE** frowns.

 **AZIRAPHALE** : Why do you know that?

 **CROWLEY** : I bought them to him myself.

We follow **CROWLEY** around the shop. He is watching the people. Puts three games into a bag he just miracled. He whispers 'for Brian, Pepper, and the other bugger'.

 **CROWLEY (Voice over):** I like children. They are chaotic. You don't have to put any effort in tempting then. You just... say anything and they wreack havoc. And children nowdays are better than back in the fourteenth century for example. At six years old they were already talking about being virtuous. [He shivers]

Back to **AZIRAPHALE**.

 **AZIRAPHALE** : And you are sure you have no popular games without violence?

The **SHOP ASSISTANT** stares at the angel, puzzled. Looks into the camera and back to him.

 **SHOP ASSISTANT** : You can get him Mario Kart 8. It's a racing game he can play with his friends.

 **AZIRAPHALE** : That's nifty! That's for the...

 **SHOP ASSISTANT:** Nintendo Switch.

 **AZIRAPHALE** : And for the other?

 **SHOP ASSISTANT** : Boys of that age are buying Fortnite Battle Royale, sir. It's a shooter.

 **CROWLEY** : Buy that one, stop nagging the poor woman.

The angel pays the games, smiling, and follows CROWLEY with a disapproving look.

 **AZIRAPHALE:** We shouldn't let him get violent.

 **CROWLEY** : He won't. He isn't going to become one of those American kids in school.

 **AZIRAPHALE** : You didn't tell me you bought him consoles.

 **CROWLEY** : I am the cool godfather.

 **CROWLEY** whispers 'I told Adam it's from the both of us'. Two young women stop Crowley and start screaming. Crowley sighs and looks up, maybe looking for heavenly help.

 **GIRL 1:** David Tennant! Mr. Tennant, can you please take a selfie with us?

 **AZIRAPHALE** (to the camera, beaming): He is often confused with that Scottish actor. I don't see the resemblance but it's hilarious to make him put on an act.

 **GIRL 2** (to the camera): Are you making a film, Mr. Tennant?”

 **CROWLEY** (taking a selfie with **GIRL 2** ): Yeah yeah.

 **GIRL 1** : My phone broke down... Wait a second.

 **CROWLEY** : Sorry girls, got a lot of work. Tag me in the photos! (To the camera) That Tennant bugger freaks out every time I do this. Dunno why we look alike.

 **AZIRAPHALE** : Demon...

They go back into the car. **AZIRAPHALE** squeezes **CROWLEY'** s hand before the demon starts driving.

 **AZIRAPHALE** : I never learnt to drive myself, not even when we rode horses around. It's one of those human things I can't get the hold of. On the other hand I can do math. He drives, I do math, which he can't do.

 **CROWLEY** : Ha ha, so funny, angel.

Pan to the bookshop, where they are back after the shopping experience. AZIRAPHALE reads, **CROWLEY** scrolls through Twitter on his phone, his head on **AZIRAPHALE's** lap. Zoom to **CROWLEY** his with his glasses off.

 **CROWLEY:** I know what you are thinking but. It's been six thousand years, I have rights.

 **AZIRAPHALE** shrugs **. “** He is a softie” he mouthes with a smile. **CROWLEY** hisses **.**


	2. Milk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to write this scene. I had no other inspiration but to write this scene. A longer chapter will come. Soon I hope.

Focus on **CROWLEY** sitting on a couch, one leg over the armrest, left elbow on the other.

 **CROWLEY** : I have no limits. I'm a demon. There are no rules. I'm here after all for breaking them. [Zoom to his face] Kind of.

Pan to **AZIRAPHALE** sitting on a couch, his hands on his lap.

 **AZIRAPHALE** : Crowley... Doesn't have any manners.

 **CROWLEY** walks into the dark kitchen at 3 in the morning. He kneels down in front of the fridge, opens it, takes out the milk, and drinks straight out of the bottle. Puts it down but keeps looking at the food inside the fridge. Suddenly, a blinding light _walks_ into the room. It has one thousand eyes, six wings and it's literally screaming with probably the highest sound heard by humanity, making us step back. Crowley doesn't look surprised at all. After two seconds, it becomes **AZIRAPHALE**.

Back to **AZIRAPHALE** on the couch. Focus on his face. He nods, thinking. Back to **CROWLEY** , still laying on the couch.

 **CROWLEY:** Aziraphale gets too angry at times. It has happened twice since we live together.


	3. Chapter 3

Focus on the angel.

**AZIRAPHALE:** Today we are going to Tadfield, to our godson's twelfth birthday.

We follow the angel and the demon getting inside the car. We sit in the backseat.

**AZIRAPHALE:** It's been a year since we first went to Tadfield, can you believe, Crowley?

**CROWLEY** : Not me, I went there twelve years ago for the first time. Aaand we are in the M25. Time to take a nap.

**AZIRAPHALE** turns and stares at the camera with a smile. **CROWLEY** curses under his breath.

Two hours later, _miraculously_ , Crowley parks his Bentley in front of Jasmine Cottage, Anathema Device's house. The local witch. Pan to **ANATHEMA** and **NEWT** , standing slightly behind her, both in the kitchen.

**ANATHEMA:** Please, don't touch anything if you are not sure what it is. I don't want anyone getting harmed today.

**NEWT** purses his lips and nods. Takes a sip of his cup of tea.

**AZIRAPHALE:** Anathema, my dear. I love... Everything!

**CROWLEY** : Hi guys. Nice to see you two again.

Focus on **ANATHEMA,** sitting on her bed, visibly stiff.

**ANATHEMA** : They are like weird uncles. (Voice over while we see **CROWLEY** soaking in the sun laying down in the garden while DOG runs around him, while **AZIRAPHALE** passes his hands around **ANATHEMA'** s books and the picture of a pentagram falls down. He steps back slowly and steps on a real pentagram drawn on the floor. He breathed relieved when he saw it wasn't active) You'd think after so many millennia they would have gone completely human. [Dramatic zoom on her face] They are not.

Back at the kitchen. We see **NEWT** making sandwiches and the other three adults drinking tea.

**AZIRAPHALE:** Why do you have more books on demonology than on angels, dear? I find demons primitive, not at all precise or refined. Most of them, anyway.

**ANATHEMA:** I find the occult more interesting and accessible to humans. I can summon a demon [Quick flashback to that one time **ANATHEMA** and The Them summoned **CROWLEY** instead of calling him to see if it worked. He was the only nice demon they knew, but he wasn't very pleased when they interrupted his nap] but I can't summon an angel. Or talk to God.

**CROWLEY** [smirking and turning his head to **AZIRAPHALE** ] See? This is why Hell gets more souls than Heaven. We actually seek them actively. They go to us for therapy.

**AZIRAPHALE** : Angels are a busy lot. We've care about you but personalized attention is too much. Demons are idle.

Everyone stares at the angel. He looks guilty. There is a knock on the door and **NEWT** opens it. The **THEM** pay no attention to him – except **BRIAN** \- and go straight to the kitchen where they greet everybody. **PEPPER** puts a green cake on the table.

**PEPPER** : We made it with the help of my mother, she is going through a vegan phase.

**ANATHEMA** : Ah. Thank you Pepper. Newt and me made a chocolate cake, just so everybody has a choice.

**PEPPER** stares **.** Knock on the door, it's **CROWLEY** and **ADAM**. **CROWLEY** had left briefly to pick his godson.


	4. Chapter 4

**ADAM** is dressed in his usual colourful apt-for-all-the-eras outfit. **CROWLEY** accompanies him inside with the hand on the shoulder of the boy. **ADAM** walks around the room getting hugs from everybody, looking positively content.

**ADAM:** Is this going to be on telly? Wicked!

**AZIRAPHALE** makes tender eyes at the child.

**AZIRAPHALE:** Actually, my dear boy, they are filming a documentary about us, about Crowley... and me.

**WENSLEYDALE** : Excuse me Mr. Fell but what's so interesting about you two? And did you ask our parents permission for-

**BRIAN** : Is it going to be like one of those couple programs?

_**AZIRAPHALE**_ stares at the camera. **_CROWLEY_** bites his lip to hide his smile. He wished he had said yes just to see _ **AZIRAPHALE'**_ s face.

**ANATHEMA** : Children, just ignore the cameras. Adam, let's blow the candles shall we? See, you've got two cakes.

**NEWT** : Wait I'll grab the lighter.

**ANATHEMA** : Newt-

**CROWLEY** : Don't bother, lad.

**CROWLEY** lights the candles of both cakes and **ADAM** grins at the sight. With **THE THEM** surrounding him, he blows the candles and closes his eyes.

**AZIRAPHALE:** Did you make your wish Adam? What did you ask for?

**ADAM:** If I say it it won't come true, innit?

**AZIRAPHALE** wanted to make his wish real. Guess he'll have to respect human customs. Now we see a slow-mo editing of the children laughing, ADAM opening his presents and hugging **CROWLEY** and **AZIRAPHALE** who look at each other happily and longingly, **NEWT** with cake on his face and **ANATHEMA** cleaning it up, **THE THEM** , **CROWLEY** , and **NEWT** playing football outside with **DOG** while **AZIRAPHALE** and **ANATHEMA** have tea and look at them from the window and all the tender images possible in a birthday party. At some point **AZIRAPHALE** miracles a piñata with infinite sweets that **CROWLEY** makes finite when the sweets cover **ADAM'S** legs.

The sun starts setting. We see **CROWLEY** leaning on the Bentley, **AZIRAPHALE** standing before **ADAM** , **ANATHEMA** and **NEWT** in the background. **ANATHEMA** kiss the angel and the demon on the cheeks.

**AZIRAPHALE:** It has been the most delightful afternoon, thank you so much for volunteering to host us, you two.

**ANATHEMA** : My pleasure having you both.

**ADAM** : Yeah, thanks for coming. You will come play Fortnite with me?

**CROWLEY** : I don't promise. I will beat your ass as soon as we start playing, you don't want that do you?

**ADAM** : You try that!

**AZIRAPHALE** [sighing]: Well, it's time for us to go back. Text Crowley the photos as soon as you can.

**NEWT** : We'll send you an scrapbook with them.

**AZIRAPHALE** : Lovely. Well then, good night.

**CROWLEY** : Bye boys – and woman!

Back in the bookshop. They drink. Zoom to **CROWLEY's** besotted face resting on his forearm while **AZIRAPHALE** rambles about the birthday party and how a fine boy **ADAM** is.

**AZIRAPHALE** : What Brian said... I must-

**CROWLEY** : I thought it was funny. It almost looked like that, don't you think?

**AZIRAPHALE** : A couples' program, dear? We can't give that impression, we don't act all amorous in front of them.

**CROWLEY** : But we do, you can't make it up just like that.

**AZIRAPHALE:** Don't look at me like that.

**CROWLEY** : Come on.

They start arguing in whispers but we can tell **CROWLEY** wants to be kissed in public as well. **AZIRAPHALE** acts all Victorian man.

**AZIRAPHALE** : That everybody knows we are together is not the same.

**CROWLEY** : So we are just going to kiss in the bookshop?

**AZIRAPHALE** : For now...

**CROWLEY** makes exasperated sounds that can't be transcribed and looks upset. He leaves the frame. Zoom on **AZIRAPHALE's** thinking face. Fade to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of making another chapter where they talk more about their relationship and yeah, maybe kiss. Give me suggestions and talk to me on Tumblr @euryalus. And yes I'm aware these chapters are too short but that's me babe. And finally lmk if I'm writing them on character and if you'd add more descriptions or what.


	5. As the world caves in

A black screen with a text. “We haven't visited **AZIRAPHALE** and **CROWLEY** for three days. The angel let us know it wasn't the moment, and he wasn't going to do anything but read. We didn't get any message from the demon so we presumed he didn't want our cameras around. However, on the fourth day **CROWLEY** texted us saying to meet near a famous bakery in Soho.”

We walk towards Crowley, who is standing on the sidewalk with a bouquet of what looks like heliotropes and lilacs. He stutters and tells us to follow him into the bakery, where he buys several little white cakes. Afterwards, we walk behind him to the bookshop. He knocks on the shop window. On the other side, **AZIRAPHALE** takes off his glasses and looks up from the book. He stands up quickly, and opens the door to us.

**AZIRAPHALE:** Is something going on? I don't remember setting a date to have the cameras back, Crowley. What's this?

**AZIRAPHALE** takes the flowers. He looks flustered to **CROWLEY** , to us, and back to him.

**AZIRAPHALE** : Heliotropos... Come inside, please.

**CROWLEY** : Angel.

**AZIRAPHALE** : Yes?

**CROWLEY** : Make some tea, I brought these as well.

The angel rushes to the small kitchen to make tea, **CROWLEY** launches himself onto the sofa. **AZIRAPHALE** comes back and looks like he doesn't appreciate the cameras presence but he doesn't say anything, just focuses on **CROWLEY**. The light is golden from the outside, dim inside.

**AZIRAPHALE** : I was very worried when you run away the other night, Crowley. You can't just disappear for three days without a word.

**CROWLEY** : We used to go centuries without talking to each other.

**AZIRAPHALE** : Now it is different.

**CROWLEY** : Why?

**CROWLEY** sits like a normal person this time – but manspreading – and looks at the other. At least, behind the glasses. We can see his eyes, though, behind the crystal. They are... You can imagine.

**AZIRAPHALE** : Because it's been six thousand d-damned! Years! And we don't have to take precautions now, I want us to spend as much time together as possible, Crowley, don't you want that? And really, must the cameras be here?

**CROWLEY** : Mmm, yesss. What's the point then? In not wanting to-

**AZIRAPHALE** : Is it that important to you?

**CROWLEY** : I go around saying my angel this, my angel that, to people, Aziraphale. Believe me, I don't give a flying fuck about what people think, but sometimes it looks like I'm lying to myself. It's either that or I'm going too fast for you and I need to know. Because- Because! If I think I'm forcing you into anything I will... I don't know what.

**AZIRAPHALE** : Crowley, wait a second, please.

**CROWLEY** : I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know what to do with myself and I run because all I want is to go out there without a worry that I might be making you do something you're not ready to. Like, tell me what I should do, Aziraphale. Because I don't have the minimal idea.

**AZIRAPHALE** : For starters, let me talk.

Both of them catch a breath. **AZIRAPHALE** holds Crowley's hand with both of his and rubs the demon's knuckles. The atmosphere is full of _something_. It looks like (before) there was rage and helplessness and now we can see the particles of dust flying gently and _tenderness_. It is all very lovely.

**AZIRAPHALE:** I thought you left because you were angry at me because I'm not enough!

One corner of **CROWLEY's** mouth rises.

**CROWLEY:** Not enough! You hear yourself, angel?

**AZIRAPHALE** : Love, I very much want to kiss you and do all kind of things with you. I'm coming to terms with it.

**CROWLEY** : Don't fucking do it if you can't see yourself doing it.

**AZIRAPHALE** : You understand it has nothing to do with you, right?

We can see **CROWLEY** squeezing the angel's hand. We feel like we ought to leave the room for a moment. While we do, we hear whispers and an _I love you very much_ , but we don't know who said it. And maybe a kiss. Fade to black.

Black screen with words: “Next day. We are invited by **AZIRAPHALE** to go up to his apartment on top of the shop. Pan to the angel sitting on an armchair with a tartan blanket on top of it. In the background, **CROWLEY** is moving boxes around. Zoom on the angel.

**AZIRAPHALE** : Despite the fact that we've known each other for all the millennia, we still got communication problems, but we are getting them fixed right away! To begin with Crowley is moving here.

Fast camera movement of **CROWLEY** putting plants everywhere. There are vinyl records, a gramophone, a record player playing something. The demon might be dancing around the room. **CROWLEY** with a smile. He might be dancing around the room.) Back to the angel.

**AZIRAPHALE** (cont'd): We're even thinking of buying a cottage somewhere, to go on holidays. Ah yes, it all looks very rushed but to us it is time. We talked a lot last night.

**CROWLEY's** voice: You call that talking?

**AZIRAPHALE** (rolling his eyes): And we cleared the misunderstanding.

**CROWLEY** approaches and sits on the armrest.

**CROWLEY:** Do you ever get tired of driving me mad?

**AZIRAPHALE** : I could say the same, dear boy.

They kiss and **AZIRAPHALE** breaks the kiss laughing a lot. It's teeth-rotting. A Nightingale Sang In Berkely Square by Tori Amos is playing as we see them walking around the place and during the next sequence of scenes: An edit of **AZIRAPHALE** reading with **CROWLEY's** head on his lap, them dining out, **CROWLEY** cooking and cutting his finder and the angel kissing it, them sleeping together, dancing together in the kitchen and in public, in a square full of other couples, standing in front of a cottage with their wings out...

Credits. Music: The Origin of Love by Mika. There is the drawing of a Bentley of the left side of the names that are shown, and a flaming sword on the right. At the end of the credits we see a photo of Crowley dressed in white and Aziraphale in black, looking at each other, people on both sides, petals everywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter, lads. If you'd like more of them writing like a Mockumentary I'll make this a series of fics and write more, but it won't add any more chapters to this. Let me know if you liked this, if it's in character, etc, just feedback! Good Omens is my favourite thing right now, and I just simply adore What We Do In The Shadows, so I felt I had to do this. Neil Gaiman, David Tennant, Michael Sheen, if you read this, make a spin off.  
> Talk to me on Tumbr: @euryalus  
> My Spotify AzCrow playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ygj3qnRVEwmKwU4WhCALd?si=3R4w3N3DRr6Y2rwSVpC0cQ

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you like it and if I should continue it, if the chapters need to be longer, if you like the screenplay format, etc. And kudos! Talk to me on Tumblr @euryalus.


End file.
